So the following approximates a conversation my husband and I had the other morning.
HIM (looking up from the Salt Lake Tribune): Hey! It looks like there’s gonna be an epic smackdown between our families. Mano a mano time. It’ll be the Yankees vs. the Red Sox. The Jets vs. the Sharks. Microsoft vs. Apple. Marvel vs. DC. Biggie vs. Tupac. Cats vs. dogs . . .
ME: Stop. I get it. Why are we smacking down? Also, I thought WE were a family. You. Me. All those kids we kept having. Remember those guys?
HIM: I’m talking about our families of origin. My tribe against your tribe.
ME: What are you even talking about?
HIM: It says right here in the newspaper that some of our elected officials want to replace the statue of Philo T. Farnsworth …
ME: You mean my first cousin twice removed?
HIM: … with a statue of Martha Hughes Cannon …
ME: You mean one of your great-grandfather’s plural wives?
HIM: … in the Capitol building in Washington, D.C.
ME: Wait. What?! Where’s the fun in that? Did SHE invent the television?
HIM: No.
ME: Damn straight she didn’t. You know how I know that? Because I did a report on Philo T. Farnsworth when I was in the fourth grade. HE invented the television. And when kids found out that Philo T. Farnsworth and I are related, they thought I was cool. For about 5 minutes.
HIM: Our elected officials feel like he’s had his 40 years of fame and now it’s a woman’s turn to represent. Also, Martha Hughes Cannon was awesome. She had medical degrees from the University of Michigan and University of Pennsylvania. Also, while she lived in Philadelphia she studied oratory and elocution.
ME: Elocution! Fancy!
HIM: PLUS! She ran against her husband for a seat in the state Senate and won. This made her the first woman state senator in the United States. Talk about an epic smackdown. Martha Hughes Cannon was a total boss.
ME: Fine. Whatever. SHE DIDN’T INVENT THE TELEVISION.
HIM: Besides, state Rep. Adam Gardiner says Philo T. Farnsworth spent most of his life in Idaho, not Utah.
ME: Dude. He ended up here. He’s buried right by my grandparents in Provo.
HIM: Also, according to Rep. [Rob] Bishop, nobody even recognizes who Philo T. Farnsworth is when they visit our nation’s Capitol. They just think it’s a statue of some guy holding a sausage.
ME: It’s not a sausage. #notasausage.
HIM: You’re right. It’s an image dissector, also known as a dissector tube.
ME: Did YOU do a report on Philo T. Farnsworth when you were in the fourth grade? Even though he wasn’t YOUR first cousin twice removed?
HIM: No. But I agree. He was a total boss, too. And we do have a grandson named Philo, so (I’ll admit It) I am partial to the idea of keeping the statue where it is. Even though more women should be represented. Obv.
ME: Yes. I agree. I’m on board with more WAY more female representation when it comes to statues and everything else. Still. Think of all the things we would have missed without TVs bringing the world into our living rooms.
HIM: The moon landing.
ME: The Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show.
HIM: The Miracle on Ice at Lake Placid.
ME: Charles and Diana’s wedding.
HIM: The fall of the Berlin Wall.
ME: It’s settled then. We vote for Philo.
Philo T. Forever.
Ann Cannon can be reached at acannon@sltrib.com or facebook.com/anncannontrib.